Murderous Space Chickens
by Soon to be world renown Gracie
Summary: The third in my series after 'Happy Space Nazis' and 'Depressed Space Hippies'. More laughs! More Spock high! More things randomly bursting into flames! This and more if, THE PRICE IF RIGHT! READ AND REVIEW!
1. The Hunt

Hi! Ok, Here's the first chapter!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. I do, however, own Johnsen, Gracie (me), Roper (my horrible cheating ex), Ciara (ok, I don't own her, she's my best friend), and the story plot.  
  
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CAPTAIN'S loooog: stardate: 2745: I aaaaaaaaam (dp) HAPPY TO REPORT (dp) that things are (dp) slooooooooowly getting back to normal on (dp) The Enterprise...  
  
The small figure lurked in the dark, waiting for its chance. Just one of these humans would be enough to curb its craving for blood and fresh meat...just which one..?  
  
Loud talking-though it sounded more like yelling-caught the figure's attengion. A tall man with black hair and a thick Aberdeen accent was talking to-or yelling at-a thin blond man with a quiet English accent, "Aye, Kyle-"  
  
"That's: The Almighty Taco God."  
  
"Aye, whatever! Anyhoo, we've got ta fix the engines! After that last shock-that came from God knows where-the engines are fried!"  
  
Scotty. Kirk's voice crackled over the intercom.  
  
"It'll take me 2 minutes." The burly Scotsman continued.  
  
SCOTTY!   
  
"Jeez...all right...all right..!" Scotty walked over to the comm, "Aye?"  
  
How long to (dp) FIX (dp) the engines?  
  
"I dun know, Cap'n. I jus' can' do it! I dun have enough powerrrr!" He winked at Kyle-I mean the Almighty Taco God.  
  
Scotty...I need (dp) WARP SPEEEEEED (dp) in three minutes (dp) or we're all dead.  
  
"Where have I heard that before?" he mumbled, then shrugged, "Aye Cap'n. I'll try, but I dun know if I can do it!"  
  
The figure silently smirked-ok, so it didn't smirk, but if it could have it would have-and thanked its diety. These two would be a good feast. He just had to wait for the right moment...  
  
That moment came approimately 1.48 seconds later when the figure just couldn't contain its hunger anymore. Chaos ensued. Blood and feathers everywhere...feathers? Oh well...screams rang out. Soon all was quiet except for the munching of someone-or something-eating human flesh.   
  
Suddenly a bone burst into flames.  
  
Johnsen!  
  
******  
  
This is the beginning of the third story in my series. Hope you enjoy it! READ AND REVIEW! Author starving for attention! If you don't review, author will throw a shoe at you! 


	2. fight with roper

Ok. Here's the second chapter to my 'Murderous Space Chickens'! Because of...oh 5 reviews I recieved I am graciously updating. So here it is for you *sob* FIVE reviewers!!  
  
CAPTAIN'S loooooog: stardate: 2746: I CANNOT (dp) contact Scotty or Kyle (dp) also known as the (dp) ALMIGHTY TACO GOD (dp) I aaaaam (dp) attempting to (dp) locate them however (dp) it is so far (dp) proving (dp) unsuccessful...  
  
"Captain, call coming in for you from deck 10," Uhura told him.  
  
"Well (dp) let's heeeeear it," Kirk said, going into his sexy pose.  
  
Uhura rolled her eyes, "aye, sir."  
  
"Captain!" A distressed voice called, "I found Kyle and Scotty! Well...kinda...from the DNA we know it's Kyle and Scotty...I only wish Roper were with them..." she finished with a thoughtful but evil smile on her face, "Anyway I don't suggest coming down here. It's not pretty."  
  
"Noted (dp) Ensign."  
  
"Gracie out."  
  
Gracie stood amongst the chaos, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed, 'Who or what could've done this?' she thought.  
  
"I see you thinking, Gracie, and may I just say-" Roper started.  
  
"No," Gracie cut him off but he continued.  
  
"Leave it up to the professionals-security."  
  
"This coming from the man who wanted to die just last episode."  
  
"Irrevelent."  
  
"It's totally relevant! Security? Please, all you guys do is beam down and die."  
  
"...true, but still, we actually have a job to do, let us do it! Go fix your 'precious' engines!"  
  
She shrugged, "ok." she walked past him, smacking him in the back of the head as she did.  
  
He started to reach for her to slap her back, but he lost his footing and slipped in all the blood.  
  
Gracie walked into the turbolift, laughing hesterically and pointing.  
  
Suddenly, the blood burst into flames.  
  
Oops...  
  
*******  
  
There you have it! Another chapter! Hope you enjoyed! Read and Review!! And if you do, I may just continue... 


	3. unrevealing trip to sickbay

CAPTAIN'S looooooog: stardate: 2747: Scotty and the (dp) ALMIGHTY TACO GOD (dp) are foooooound. (dp) I have yet to (dp) hear from (dp) the good doctor (dp) about it...  
  
"He's dead, Jim," Bones McCoy stood in sickbay with the remains of the two engineers.  
  
"How?"  
  
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor! Not a long neck giraffe!"  
  
"Spock?"  
  
He translated, "he has no idea, sir."  
  
Bones went over to the remains of Kyle, "He's dead Jim."  
  
Kirk sighed dramatically, "We know that but HOW?"  
  
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor! Not a movie star!"  
  
Spock again translated, "there are marks on the bones but he hasn't yet identified them."  
  
"(dp) I see (dp) keeeeeeep me posted."  
  
Kirk walked up to the bridge with Spock.  
  
"If you don't mind me asking, who are you making Chief Engineer?"  
  
"Uh...(dp) Ensign Gracie (dp) I suppose..."  
  
Spock rolled his eyes, "you haven't thought much about this have you?"  
  
"No, no really. (dp) But how much damage could (dp) she do?"  
  
At that question, images flashed through Spock's head. 'Children screaming, mothers crying, alarms, explosions, chaos, disorder, illogic, death, and dismemberment.'  
  
He screamed and ran off.  
  
"I wonder (dp) whaaaaat that was (dp) about."  
  
Suddenly the deck burst into flames.  
  
"Johnsen!"  
  
Oops...  
  
******  
  
I wish to thank everyone who had reviewed! *huggles* please continue to do so! you are the joy of my life! *suddenly music begins out of nowhere. "you light up my life"* *lights dim as the romantic music plays* *gracie is suddenly in very sexy black dress with hair all fancy* *begins to sing beautifully* You! Light up my lifeee! *forgets words and insteads hums and mumbles* la mhm lala...laaa...*music is stopped with a 'wicky!'* *silence prevails* *blink-blink* 


	4. the plot is revealed yes there is a plot

Ok. After much waiting due to the fact that I had no clue where to go with this story here is the fourth chapter. I'm so sorry for the wait. I had up to like chapter 8 written down but I didn't like how it was turning out. I wanted some kind of actual story plot, not just insane randomness. Also, I have received a request from my best friend to mock Canada in here somewhere, so be watching for that. I shall also mock the French, just because I can. I've also decided that in Murderous Space Chickens, it appears that comedy has taken a back seat to my deep-seated hatred for my ex. This just can't go on. Comedy must come first. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, MURDEROUS SPACE CHICKENS WILL BE FUNNY!

Oh yeah, before I forget: Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. I do own Gracie (me) and Roper. And, also, Johnsen. Anyone you recognize (not from my stories) do not belong to me. I also do not own Stargate: SG1 or the Sci Fi Channel. However, Christmas is coming so I'm putting them on my Christmas list in case anyone is interested...

Oh yes, just FYI: my pen name doesn't have anything to do with the whales in st4, **unrealistic**. And a bottle of scotch for Scotty, eh? Good idea, **Morgan**. Thanks to all who reviewed and left their ideas for me. Be assured that I love you all and your ideas feed me.

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CAPTAIN'S looooooog: stardate: 2748: The ENTERPRISE hassssss (dp) a FOWL problem. I (dp) feeeeeeeeear that the end (dp) IS (dp) NEAARRR...

The captain and his main officers sat around the conference table and stared intently at one another, apparently deep in thought. After several minutes of uncomfortable silence in which no one blinked, which made for an eery moment that resembles something out of a zombie film, the whole table, sans Spock, blinked with the audible sound of several wet smacks.

Spock raised a fist triumphantly and pointed at Kirk, "Ha! I won! You blinked!" Laughing maniacally he swung his finger around to include the whole group, "You ALL blinked! THE DAY IS MINE!"

"Oh (dp) YEAH, well (dp)," Kirk fumbled for a moment before sticking his tongue out at his second in command in the mature fashion what we should all strive to emulate, "There!"

Uhura rolled her eyes and pressed a few buttons on the magically appearing keyboard in front of her, "Captain, incoming call from Stargate Command."

Six pairs of eyes slowly turned to stare at her in shock. Sulu leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Starfleet. Star FLEET."

Her eyes widened at the implications, "Oh, man! I have three lines and I botch them up!" She ran crying from the room.

"Hey, sexy (dp) MAMA, don't (dp) leeeeeave!" Kirk rose from his seat, screaming after her. Five pairs of eyes that had followed her progress out the door turned to look at him. He cleared his throat and sat back down, "Shall WE (dp) get back toooooo (dp) the matter (dp) AT HAND?"

Everyone was silent for a moment before Chekov raised his hand tentatively, "Uh, sir, what matter?"

Sulu spoke up, "Brain matter?" A drum rift sounded.

Kirk shook his head.

Gracie spoke up, "Dark matter?" A drum rift sounded.

Kirk shook his head.

McCoy spoke up, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a telephone book!" A drum rift sounded.

Spock translated, "Hand matter?"

Kirk shook his head.

Chekov spoke up, "Family matters?" A drum rift sounded.

Kirk shook his head. Then paused, thought about it a moment, then shook it more forcefully. "No, (dp) this does not INVOLVE (dp) Michael J. Fooooox (dp). It's a darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk (dp) matter."

"Hey," Gracie pouted, "I said that already!"

"It'ssssssssss the chickens. (dp) WE MUST (dp) fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind (dp) A WAY toooooo (dp) stop them."

Everyone began to think hard as to a solution...ok, who are we kidding? They all sat around stroking invisible beards until Spock brought out his "stash" to share with the group. Uhura, after wandering aimlessly in the hall for a while, came back to the group so that she could try and get her three lines straight.

"Sir, incoming call from Stargate Command." All eyes turned to look at her again. "No, I'm serious. It's actually Stargate Command."

Kirk, angry at the intrusion to his 'happy place' punched the screen angrily.

"Ow!" An angry face appeared, holding his nose gingerly. "That was my nose, dumbass!"

"That's 'Du-mos'."

All eyes turned slowly to look at Kirk. Sulu leaned over and whispered to him, "Your name Kirk. KIRK."

Kirk glared at Sulu for a moment before cursing the budget cuts that made it so that the 'screen' was really just a box with a hole cut in the bottom so that whoever's 'calling' can kneel on the floor and their head appears in the box. I hope that made sense.

Gracie glanced under the table, "Uh, you can come out from under there, sir."

The man unfolded himself from under the table and sat down in a chair next to Spock, "Captain Kirk, I have terrible news."

"That's terrible news. Smoke?" Spock offered him part of his 'stash'.

The man declined, "No, thanks. Military regu...lations..." He trailed off, noticing the uniforms.

"So who are you," Chekov asked, taking a drag of his doobie and combing through his fine dark, sexily styled hair with his fingers. In a way, he was glad his secret was out. After all, he was just a boy from Connecticut with gorgeous hair. Gracie, catching the movement, began, once again, to drool and stare. Chekov shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, but made no move to stop her as she-

"Excuse me, Narrator?"

Damn it, Sulu, what is it?

"You pay attention, here? This man been giving us explanation as to why he is here and what has been going on but all you can do is talk about Chekov and Gracie."

I suppose I could get to them later. Ok. Just to clue everyone in: Earlier:

Ignoring the glances between the two youngest ensigns in the room, the mystery man from beneath the conference table began to tell the assemble group why he was there and what's been going on. "It appears that there's been some sort of mix up at the Sci Fi channel. We've been mixed up with other science fiction universes. Some, of course, are already mixed. Some should've never been near each other. We have serious issues."

"...Who are you again?" Uhura asked.

"General Jack O'Neill, United States Air Force."

Scary, dramatic music filled the room attracting the attention of Chekov and Gracie who had finally stopped staring and drooling.

Everyone stared at General Jack O'Neill, United States Air Force for a moment before Sulu spoke up, "You are?"

"I'm a general with the Stargate project. It's off of that TV show: Stargate: SG1."

Everyone stared at him some more before Kirk's girdle suddenly burst into flames.

"JOHNSEN!"

Oops... 

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Hey all! Ok. Just to address a tiiiny issue: Sulu's speech is weird because, for those of you who don't remember, (I know I didn't) Sulu revealed, in Depressed Space Hippies that he was actually from Japan. Not San Francisco like everyone thought. Therefore, his speech is the best I can do with a Japanese accent. I'm so sorry that I didn't update sooner. Please read and review anyway! PLEASE::gets on hands and knees and begs:


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